Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Anger is just an emotion!!

Hi there, it’s been a long time since I’ve put my fingers to the key board and shared my thoughts with you; which in itself I find interesting because writing about how I felt although painful really was therapeutic and what’s more I also got feed back from other people who had benefited from my writing in someway.

Writing things down can really be therapeutic a bit like an oasis in the midst of life’s unhealthy chaos. So how come I stopped writing? Your guess is as good as mine but I guess it was another way in which mr lupus could punish me by holding me back from using one of the few toxins free remedies in life. he really is a devious character. Well I have news for you mr lupus I AM BACK!

It dawned on me just that part of mr lupus’ hold over me and a factor in not being able to write is the fact that I’m angry and as that is not an emotion I readily express or am used to feeling I have kept it tightly bottled and very close to my chest but that’s done me no good at all. So now I’ve decided that it really is okay to be angry it only becomes a problem in the way you chose to express it.

Now that I’ve given myself the permission to express my anger, I’m going express it by sharing it with you that way it will be out in the open and mr lupus will be unable to use that energy against me and besides by expressing it I will have made space for something more positive to come in. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. Well that’s not strictly true thinking about it has always been the easy part its doing something about it that’s hard. Sound familiar?

So what exactly is it that I am angry about? Good question and the funny thing is that it isn’t really about mr lupus per se but more about the situation he has created and the things that have been highlighted as a result of his presence in my life.

Here are some of the things that I’m angry about:
I’m angry:
• At my mum for dying and leaving me, I’m sick and I really need one of her
special hugs.
• At being an only child.
• At not having any children. After chemotherapy it is now very unlikely
• Because I don’t have a partner. Being sick can be a very lonely place and
sometimes I just want a hug and a kiss and to feel special.
• At my dad but that’s a long story
• At God because I don’t understand how this life thing works
• That chemotherapy has made my hair thinner and me more susceptible to illness
• At doctors for not giving me the full picture
• At prednisolone for the weight gain and change in my body shape
• At the world because it doesn’t understand and I can’t explain
• At me for wanting to ‘be in control’
• At the person in the mirror

Phew that’s only the beginning and it feels better already.

Now that I’ve expressed my anger I’m gonna fill the space that has been vacated with more positive stuff.

I’ve been trying to start a gratitude journal for the longest while perhaps now I can get started.

Here are just some of the things I am grateful for:
• Each new day
• God. He loves me and carries me through when I can’t do it for myself
• My mum. I am strong and positive as a result of her legacy
• My friends who care in spite and not because
• My friend Cheryl who’s there when it counts
• My life
• The fact that I can still walk in spite of the challenges and attacks on my
• The people I am able to touch as a result of my challenges
• My challenges because through them I am and will be a stronger person
• The gifts that God has bestowed on me

My pearls of wisdom
It is important that you express your anger. Channel it positively and make room for the blessings to flow.

Each day give thanks why not create your own gratitude journal using pictures or words to illustrate what you are thankful for. Not only will it help to bring light to those dark moments it will also act as a point of reference when you just can’t think of anything to be grateful for.

Thought for the day
Don’t forget that it is the small things that make a real difference to our lives and that no matter what you are going through there will always be something or someone to be thankful for.