Saturday, August 25, 2007

Just that one word

I love words and admire their power and beauty and recently I realised the power they have to distract, destroy and confuse. I went to my doctor in my usual chirpy fashion prepared to have the usual chat about what’s been happening in my world with mr lupus, drugs and rock and roll (oops wrong conversation) anyway you get my drift. I sat down, we exchanged pleasantries checked on my blood count and then had a discussion about my drug taking habits.

I must admit I have not been too great at taking my tablets, I think it is a ploy by mr lupus to make me into a junkie, and so was unable to answer the questions as affectively as my doctor would have liked. That is when she said it, the one word that turned my whole world upside down. I am going to repeat it here but in a whisper because it is not my word and I have no intention of giving it any more power than it already has ‘relapse’ Now I’ve said it, I will not say it again if I need to I will simply refer to it as the ‘r’ word. This was a word that did not feature in my vocabulary, although it’s currently trying to find a way in, and until that moment it held no meaning for me.

This got me thinking (no not about the ‘r’ word) and reconnecting to a long held belief that our words frame our worlds. By the language we use we determine the content and quality of our lives. I’m sure you have heard about the laws of attraction well our words are one of the ways it demonstrates its presence.

In my effort to create a world where the ‘r’ word doesn’t feel welcome I have paid closer attention to the words I use on a daily basis and chose to eliminate two of them from my vocabulary because I didn’t believe that they were helping me to conquer my enemy mr lupus or other things in my life for that matter. The two words which I will only repeat (in a whisper) here for the benefit of you understanding what I am talking about are:
but: because it almost always comes before an excuse or apology. I would love to meet you today but my lupus is playing up
try: because I now believe that you either are or you aren’t there is no grey bit in between. How can I try to drive? I am either driving or I am not simple.

I am finding other more empowering ways to say the things I want to say and whilst it is a challenge, I really have to think before I speak, it really does give a different perspective on things.

What word(s), if you removed them from your world would provide you with a whole new perspective and more of the silver lining thinking?

I challenge you to do something today.

Remember your words are some of the most powerful tools at your disposal so use them well. Email me and I’ll send you my ABC of words.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I’m back!

Yes I know it’s been a while since last I blogged (I wonder if that word is in the dictionary) so before I get talking about what’s happening now let me give you a whirl wind tour on what has happened since last we spoke.

I had more chemo, swapped my hospital waiting room for a spot on the beaches of Barbados, Antigua and Jamaica for two months. I though, if I was going to be sitting at home for long periods of time, that home might as well be in the Caribbean.

Lucky so and so I hear you say, but before you get excited please note that this trip was shortly after chemo, my right leg was not working for me in the way that we both knew it could and to top it all my doctor told me not to go. In fact her very words were “if you choose to get on the plane tomorrow (yes we had an appointment the day before) you will be travelling against medical advice” and just in case that was not enough my GP called me (yes she rang me) and said she wanted to see me. My blood pressure was up and she didn’t think it was advisable for me to travel. Well through the tears this seemed like the very reason I needed to get on a plane and get the hell out of here. It was now official doctors make me sick!

And because it’s not like me to take any notice of someone telling me I am sick and therefore can’t... (I really have to arrive at that conclusion myself after all life is just a great adventure right?) I decided I would go anyway. What’s the worst that could happen? After all I had already done the hospital thing in Dominican Republic (Remember fractured ankle leg in plaster for the last week of the holiday).

With passport and ticket in hand I confidently boarded a plane bound for sunny Barbados. I felt like a radical fighting for justice, except on the eight hour plane journey and during the first week in the sun where I’m convinced mr lupus brought in reinforcements giving a whole new meaning to the word pain.

Shear determination or ignorance I’m not sure which made me stick it out for two months. I rested when necessary or when forced to and made the most of my hiatus and came back home safely only to be confronted with the welcome back committee of three to six months more chemo.

Having braved the elements, endured the tropical conditions, which you know is no mean feat for someone living with mr lupus, I was not going to allow mr lupus or his fellow conspirators (my doctors) to put me through the chemo hell I had endured for nine months previously.

I said no and chose freedom instead, but with all decisions we make there is always a price to pay! And I guess that is where the story begins…