Sunday, December 28, 2008

I made it through!

YONGIN-SI, SOUTH KOREA - NOVEMBER 26:  South K...Image by Getty Images via DaylifeWell there we have it another Christmas over. Was it as painful for you as it was for me? I realised that the Christmas spirit was lacking when the best Christmas present I received was to not spend it in a bed in Lewisham hospital.

I am, however, feeling very proud of myself particularly as it really was touch and go but I have decided to have a constructive approach to the hospital thing and not let mr lupus force my hand.

The lastest round of mr lupus and his friends antics has left me itching my arms, legs and back and my tummy has just joined in and just in case that wasn't exciting enough I have started to develop red rashes in the places where I have been scratching that are not going away. It's just as well that Red is my favourite colour :-)

I realise that even in my abnormal world this is not normal and that there just might be something going on that I should be aware of. I've been to my GP twice in 10 days and have successfully managed to add a couple of new pills to my medicine cabinet, but now realise that I need the help of my Rheumatologist (I never thought I would willingly say that) so I am making it a point of popping along for a chat tomorrow.

The last few weeks have been an almighty roller coaster ride with most of it that belly turning, head blasting feeling and I am praying for some steady, solid ground.

In my usual upbeat, positive style I can usually find something affirming in all of this, something to hold on to but I think 'positive thinking' has been suspended for the holidays.

I look forward to normal service being resumed soon!

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Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm afraid!

Diagnosis MurderImage via WikipediaAfter another long day of lying on the settee watching reruns of reruns of my old favourite Diagnosis Murder I thought about it and realised that the most distinguished emotion in recent times have been that of fear.

In fact, I am scared of quite a few things. Things which under normal (although I'm no longer sure what is normal) circumstances would be perfectly easy to deal with today somehow seem really enormous and hard to cope with. At first I couldn't understand where this was all coming from and then I realised that it's another mr lupus tactic. he has been whispering 'lovingly' in my ears embellishing things and making them seem real.

he really has developed a knack of making things that aren't seem as though they are and because he's been so good at it I've really started to believe that what he is saying is true.

I am afraid that:
  • I will have to spend Christmas in hospital
  • I am really sick
  • This is it and life will never get any better
  • If I have to depend on me to get through this I will fail
  • No one understands
  • No one cares
  • I am not good enough
In the absence of more positive rhetoric all of this becomes plausible and true. But now that I have written it down and shared my thoughts with you I am beginning to see the holes in these statements. And as they start to fall apart I realise that mr lupus is not a man of substance and the same energy I am using in 'fear' I could redirect to faith afterall both are about believing in something you cannot see.

I now choose to believe:
  • I will have a healthy Christmas
  • I am well
  • Today is a new beginning leading to brighter and healthier tomorrows
  • I am strong enough to make it through
  • My friends and family care and understand me
  • I am good enough for whatever I need
Bring it on mr lupus, I know your game.
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Stop the world I want to get off!

No seriously, stop the world I want to get off!

I feel as though no one is listening to me. Why does the world keep moving? Okay maybe that's just a gentle reminder that horizontal is so much better than vertical.

I know that it's the Christmas season but does mr lupus really have to invite his friends over for a party and do they have to make so much noise. There has to be something terribly wrong with that. I'm currently battling 'a virus' (isn't that a catch all for not sure what's wrong but take these tablets), have some serious mobility issues and my whole body hurts and that doesn't take into consideration high blood pressure, and blood clotting issues.

As you can imagine I am a little the worst for wear, with my body only answering to small very easy to do commands.

I'm back on the settee and back infront of the TV not my favourite place but definitely a familiar one, only problem is TV really is BAD. Isn't there a law against continually repeating programmes? There should be. Maybe I could use my time wisely and start a petition or create a lobby group. Okay enough of that, just the thought of it all makes me feel 'tired' who I am kidding I don't have enough energy to get up and get to the kitchen let alone anything else so strenuous :-)

But the great news is I've lost weight and am hoping that soon I will be able to celebrate that fact.
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Monday, December 01, 2008

mr lupus goes travelling

mr lupus is truly international. It actually dosen't matter where in the worl you are I mean I got on a plan and travelled thousands of miles to get away from him only to find that as I got up to get off the plane there he was. he now has almost as many stamps in his passport as I do and you'd think seeing as I didn't object to him travelling with me he could at least spend his time enjoying the sites and leave me well alone. No of course not he just sees it as another opportunity to smother me with his love and for me just another opportunity to 'fake it' after all I'm on holiday so of course I am well!

I have learnt that whilst on holiday there are things I am willing to do, and boundaries I am willing to push which if I was at home would have left me laid up in bed with my feet in the air wondering why did I think I could do that. Thank God for holiday air - this has to be what they meant when they invented vacation time - it gives you more feistyness.

As I dodge the rays of sunshine, I am sure that I read somewhere the only place to get vitamin D is from the sun, I can't help but wonder about the consequences of my actions. What price will I have to pay for this gay abandon of all that is medically sensible. When the shore changes to concrete, the sun changes to icy winds and the wolf whistles change to icy stares what will be demanded of me?

Well as that is not today, I'm just gonna push those boundaries a little further and challenge mr lupus to tackle me as I relax away from the sun of course on the fine sandy beach, ipod in my ear and a fruit cocktail at hand.