Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm afraid!

Diagnosis MurderImage via WikipediaAfter another long day of lying on the settee watching reruns of reruns of my old favourite Diagnosis Murder I thought about it and realised that the most distinguished emotion in recent times have been that of fear.

In fact, I am scared of quite a few things. Things which under normal (although I'm no longer sure what is normal) circumstances would be perfectly easy to deal with today somehow seem really enormous and hard to cope with. At first I couldn't understand where this was all coming from and then I realised that it's another mr lupus tactic. he has been whispering 'lovingly' in my ears embellishing things and making them seem real.

he really has developed a knack of making things that aren't seem as though they are and because he's been so good at it I've really started to believe that what he is saying is true.

I am afraid that:
  • I will have to spend Christmas in hospital
  • I am really sick
  • This is it and life will never get any better
  • If I have to depend on me to get through this I will fail
  • No one understands
  • No one cares
  • I am not good enough
In the absence of more positive rhetoric all of this becomes plausible and true. But now that I have written it down and shared my thoughts with you I am beginning to see the holes in these statements. And as they start to fall apart I realise that mr lupus is not a man of substance and the same energy I am using in 'fear' I could redirect to faith afterall both are about believing in something you cannot see.

I now choose to believe:
  • I will have a healthy Christmas
  • I am well
  • Today is a new beginning leading to brighter and healthier tomorrows
  • I am strong enough to make it through
  • My friends and family care and understand me
  • I am good enough for whatever I need
Bring it on mr lupus, I know your game.
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1 comment:

sherz said...

Hey,I have to say you capture exactly my words and thoughts and have so briliantly placed it down.
Love your blogs. Glad to see it's not only something happening to me,especially the feelings and thoughts.

You're very talented!keep blogging...I will be following up:)