Well I did get up and I did go to the kitchen and did it help? Of course not one of my challenges is about food so why I thought the kitchen would be a good place to find light in my present darkness I will never know. I wonder if this was one of the things that mr lupus was whispering in my ears?
So what actually happened?
I got up, went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and found some things begging to be rescued so of course I did the dutiful thing and put them out of their misery. Having a momentous task under my belt I then I thought about food as I opened the cupboards I realised that food shopping was not one of my favourite past times so there was none. So I did what any self-respecting woman living with mr lupus would do I went back to bed and stayed there for the next 36 hours.
Did this help?
I’m not sure, but it definitely prevented me from having to worry about what to do next. I was going to stay there today but having realised (a midnight revelation I think) that it’s my mind that is in trouble so that is what I have chosen to work on today. I think I am in need of a mind detox but obviously I can’t take it out and give it a good wash so I am just going to have to find another way.
What does that mean?
Well I am going to start with the conversations I have with myself and living on my own I have a lot of those intimate moments which up until now I thought were great but now I am beginning to wonder. Anyway rather than psychoanalyze the moment I have decided to write myself some positive affirmations to remind me just how great I am just the way I am on the road to where I want to get to.
Try it yourself.
What things are you saying to yourself? What could you be saying instead?
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Monday, July 07, 2008
Talking with the enemy!
I know that I don’t usually use the word suffering so please excuse me, as that seems to be the only word that almost conveys how I am feeling.
Today is one of those dark grey days – Miserable Monday- situated somewhere between Solemn Sunday and Fabulous Friday (well I have to hold on to some kind of hope) and it really doesn’t help to look out of the window onto a dull uninspiring summer day in July. Okay I live in London so I should be used to it, Well today I am finding it hard to feel any joy in being alive, my house is a mess, I’m still in my PJs and it’s almost three o’clock and I haven’t had anything to eat. So I guess it would be okay to say I am not feeling too great today.
Today is one of those days when I would be quite happy to be here on my lonesome, but no mr lupus won’t take a hint and leave me alone, he has to stay real close just to make sure I won’t forget him. How on earth am I going to do that, it’s not like he is forgettable. He obviously hasn’t read the rules of relationship? A girl needs to have her space!
About space, I’d love to just check myself into a place where he couldn’t find me. Somewhere that I don’t have to think about things; where all my needs are taken care of and I don’t have a care in the world. That would be heavenly. My only problem is that now as I think about it instead of basking in visions of 5 star luxury all I can see is a white room padded in style with a locked door and someone else holding the key.
Oops, I think this grey Monday has turned into black Monday! I’m clearly moving in the wrong direction but I’m still moving so that’s okay right?
I think I know what the root cause is although I have been going through the motions of normality I’ve been living a lie and this is the time and the space to let it out into the open.
Lately I’ve had little sleep and little nourishment (I understand the importance of food and water but not quite worked out how to use it to my benefit) and still ‘had’ to maintain a brave face on it all. I think I have become delusional I have started to see mr lupus as a friend, madness I know but he is always there with a listening ear, a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on, he understands my pain, my anguish and my frustration in a way no one else can (well he either causes or triggers it)
But clearly hanging out with the wrong company does nothing to help lift the spirits. Talking of spirits I’m glad I don’t drink because this really would be a great time to drown my sorrows in a bottle. I think intervention from another Spirit would be a better answer.
So what’s a girl to do? (That always sounds better than what’s a woman to do!) Well I’ve decided on a couple of things (two is all I can confidently manage right now) one is I am going to get up and go downstairs and the next one is I am going to go into the kitchen. What will happen next is anyone’s guess and we’ll just have to wait to find out.
Today is one of those dark grey days – Miserable Monday- situated somewhere between Solemn Sunday and Fabulous Friday (well I have to hold on to some kind of hope) and it really doesn’t help to look out of the window onto a dull uninspiring summer day in July. Okay I live in London so I should be used to it, Well today I am finding it hard to feel any joy in being alive, my house is a mess, I’m still in my PJs and it’s almost three o’clock and I haven’t had anything to eat. So I guess it would be okay to say I am not feeling too great today.
Today is one of those days when I would be quite happy to be here on my lonesome, but no mr lupus won’t take a hint and leave me alone, he has to stay real close just to make sure I won’t forget him. How on earth am I going to do that, it’s not like he is forgettable. He obviously hasn’t read the rules of relationship? A girl needs to have her space!
About space, I’d love to just check myself into a place where he couldn’t find me. Somewhere that I don’t have to think about things; where all my needs are taken care of and I don’t have a care in the world. That would be heavenly. My only problem is that now as I think about it instead of basking in visions of 5 star luxury all I can see is a white room padded in style with a locked door and someone else holding the key.
Oops, I think this grey Monday has turned into black Monday! I’m clearly moving in the wrong direction but I’m still moving so that’s okay right?
I think I know what the root cause is although I have been going through the motions of normality I’ve been living a lie and this is the time and the space to let it out into the open.
Lately I’ve had little sleep and little nourishment (I understand the importance of food and water but not quite worked out how to use it to my benefit) and still ‘had’ to maintain a brave face on it all. I think I have become delusional I have started to see mr lupus as a friend, madness I know but he is always there with a listening ear, a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on, he understands my pain, my anguish and my frustration in a way no one else can (well he either causes or triggers it)
But clearly hanging out with the wrong company does nothing to help lift the spirits. Talking of spirits I’m glad I don’t drink because this really would be a great time to drown my sorrows in a bottle. I think intervention from another Spirit would be a better answer.
So what’s a girl to do? (That always sounds better than what’s a woman to do!) Well I’ve decided on a couple of things (two is all I can confidently manage right now) one is I am going to get up and go downstairs and the next one is I am going to go into the kitchen. What will happen next is anyone’s guess and we’ll just have to wait to find out.
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