Monday, July 07, 2008

Talking with the enemy!

I know that I don’t usually use the word suffering so please excuse me, as that seems to be the only word that almost conveys how I am feeling.

Today is one of those dark grey days – Miserable Monday- situated somewhere between Solemn Sunday and Fabulous Friday (well I have to hold on to some kind of hope) and it really doesn’t help to look out of the window onto a dull uninspiring summer day in July. Okay I live in London so I should be used to it, Well today I am finding it hard to feel any joy in being alive, my house is a mess, I’m still in my PJs and it’s almost three o’clock and I haven’t had anything to eat. So I guess it would be okay to say I am not feeling too great today.

Today is one of those days when I would be quite happy to be here on my lonesome, but no mr lupus won’t take a hint and leave me alone, he has to stay real close just to make sure I won’t forget him. How on earth am I going to do that, it’s not like he is forgettable. He obviously hasn’t read the rules of relationship? A girl needs to have her space!

About space, I’d love to just check myself into a place where he couldn’t find me. Somewhere that I don’t have to think about things; where all my needs are taken care of and I don’t have a care in the world. That would be heavenly. My only problem is that now as I think about it instead of basking in visions of 5 star luxury all I can see is a white room padded in style with a locked door and someone else holding the key.

Oops, I think this grey Monday has turned into black Monday! I’m clearly moving in the wrong direction but I’m still moving so that’s okay right?

I think I know what the root cause is although I have been going through the motions of normality I’ve been living a lie and this is the time and the space to let it out into the open.
Lately I’ve had little sleep and little nourishment (I understand the importance of food and water but not quite worked out how to use it to my benefit) and still ‘had’ to maintain a brave face on it all. I think I have become delusional I have started to see mr lupus as a friend, madness I know but he is always there with a listening ear, a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on, he understands my pain, my anguish and my frustration in a way no one else can (well he either causes or triggers it)

But clearly hanging out with the wrong company does nothing to help lift the spirits. Talking of spirits I’m glad I don’t drink because this really would be a great time to drown my sorrows in a bottle. I think intervention from another Spirit would be a better answer.

So what’s a girl to do? (That always sounds better than what’s a woman to do!) Well I’ve decided on a couple of things (two is all I can confidently manage right now) one is I am going to get up and go downstairs and the next one is I am going to go into the kitchen. What will happen next is anyone’s guess and we’ll just have to wait to find out.

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