Saturday, August 13, 2005

Now that's strange!

Today was a good day, the sun was shining, mr lupus was quiet and my world was looking much brighter.

My barometer for measuring this was something that I had previously taken for granted. Until recently, well today actually, I had lost my appetite for shopping. I know that is hard to believe as shopping has always been the mainstay of a woman’s life (well at least a large percentage of the women I know). We shop when we’re happy; we shop when we’re sad; in fact anytime is shopping time if we have the chance but mr lupus had taken all of that away (or maybe it as that I had let him). I no longer had the desire, motivation or inclination to drag myself from shop to shop but something happened today. I don’t know if it was the sunshine, the fact that I felt free from mr lupus or the new belief system I am working with, but something definitely happened.

Whatever it was prompted me to take a shopping trip for the first time in a very long time, not really the die hard shop till you drop kind of shopping but shopping none the less (we have to be thankful for small mercies) I guess it was more a form of exercise and a welcomed diversion from having my pre chemo blood test. (I don’t understand why they still have to pierce my skin to take blood)

I enthusiastically walked around the shops and rummaged through the end of sale racks, I even bought some sandals, a bargain at £5/$7.50, I know that summer is almost over but I felt exhilarated just by the purchase.

Then something strange happened to me and for once it did not require me to seek any form of medical attention. Maybe it wasn’t quite that strange after all I did have a hectic day but today for the very first time I was unable to stay awake to watch Diagnosis Murder. Can you believe it? There I was lying on the settee poised with two hours of my addictive substance lying before me and what do I do? I fall asleep not just nod off I actually sleep missing out huge chunks of the programme which I could probably have pieced together as I am such an expert viewer but I didn’t want to so I simply went back to sleep.

So does this mean that I am cured? Have I finally broken the back of my addiction? Has Diagnosis Murder been relegated to the dark recesses of my mind? Well I have chemo next week so only time will tell.

But what did I learn from today?
I think the lesson was about the importance of perspective. Lying on the settee only presents me with one view of my world, a world where mr lupus is in control and holds all of the cards. He says jump and I say how high. He dictates my comings and my goings, how I feel about myself and the world around me. But when I get up I see my world a little differently, I feel a little more powerful and I smile just a little bit more, so maybe that’s the answer I just need to get up more often and add another dimension to my world daily.

Thought for the day
Don’t take the challenges that life throws at you lying down. Sometimes just by standing up you can make a difference.

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