Thursday, April 24, 2008


I just met up with an old friend who I have known for nearly 20 years (so they have been with me through the good times and the bad with mr lupus) I was therefore, surprised when they made the following statement in reply to my announcement that I was good (I had just finished delivering a workshop so being good meant more than just dealing with mr lupus) "just not very consistent, but that is not a critiscm" I found myself reeling at his audacity and I wanted to scream how dare you don’t you know what I am going through? Instead in an effort to compose myself I frantically searched the vaults of my mind to find the definitive answer that would absolve me of this accusation because of course IT WAS a critiscm!

I mumbled something from my defensive stand point in the vain hope that it would prove my ability to be consistent.

On my journey home I thought some more about the conversation. How could this simple statement have made me feel so uncomfortable? What was the real truth behind it all?
I struggled to find an answer that would satisfy me and justify it all. It was then it dawned on me what the problem was. The statement hurt because it was true (there I have said it, it was true) but I also realised that that in itself was not the problem the real problem lay in the fact that I was berating myself about it and therefore when challenged (even if that was a perceived challenge) I couldn’t defend my position and I desperately wanted to.

Living with mr lupus is unpredictable and often to the outside world this may seem like inconsistency but I know that is not the real story. So today I have decided to stop trying to do all of the things in the same way as I once did (let’s face it there are days when I simply can’t!) presenting a false picture to people around me (there are obviously very little benefits in that) and instead to admit that from time to time there may be limitations to what I can do but realise that doesn’t actually detract from who I am.

From this new vantage point, rather than feeling disempowered, it is very empowering because for the first time in a very long time, I can actually be honest and admit to myself and to others when things are not quite right and the great thing is that way I will never be ‘inconsistent’ again.

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