Monday, July 18, 2005

Desperately seeking sizzle!

I’ve lost it. I woke up this morning to find that it had gone. I have looked for it everywhere but I just can’t seem to find it. It’s as if mr lupus came in the night and stole it. he has been quite crafty, keeping me busy else where so that he could sneak in and do his dirty work. I spent so much time over the last few days fumbling around in the darkness that I forgot to keep my eye on one of my most valuable assets – my sizzle.

I have always relied on the natural spark from my sizzle to get me through. That spark is responsible for igniting the flame that burns deep within me spurring and cheering me on through good times and bad, with the energy and excitement of a young child. It wasn’t something that I needed to work at, it just showed up when I needed it, but the combination of Prednisolone and Chemotherapy over the last few months seems to have taken their toll and today the intensity of that spark has diminished and my sizzle is no longer alive and well.

Externally all seems to be as it always was, in some ways even better. I am convinced that mr lupus has a particular penchant for hanging out with people who look extremely well. I am amazed at just how many people still comment on how well I look, (I’ll appreciate the value of this when the sizzle returns) but that’s just on the outside, internally the spark that lights my inner flame is almost out.

I know my sizzle has left the building.

Is this it, will I no longer be filled with the joys of spring even when it’s cold and miserable outside?

With the advent of Chemotherapy on Tuesday and all the stuff it brings with it, the prospect doesn’t feel too good (but I know that’s just the sizzle-less-ness talking)

I’m unable to get my head around any of this at the moment so as I search for a new focus I am reminded of something a friend said to me recently “..things like lupus and cancer are just words and not a sentence. It is my choice if it is becomes a sentence...”

That’s it I’ve decided, in the embers of my sizzle I am going to hold on to her sentiment. lupus is just a word and not a sentence. This is a process that I’m going through and I just need to acknowledge it as such and treat mr lupus with the contempt in which he deserves.

Tonight I’m gonna get some rest to give my body a chance to recharge and gather the energy needed to make a counter attack. mr lupus may have won the battle today but the war is far from over. In the immortal words of Scarlett (Gone With The Wind.) .”..tomorrow is another day!”

And just in case you were wondering, I will get my sizzle back!

Thought for the day

Remember choice is the most powerful weapon you possess

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